Trying to Destroy Your Inner Critic is Useless
...and other lessons from Week 4 of the "Gifts of Imperfection" re-read and listen-along
Welcome! I’m Dr. Jillian, a physician leader, toddler mom, and coach who writes Humans Leading to help overwhelmed professionals live less stressed, more satisfying lives. If the full post doesn’t show up in your e-mail, come over to the webpage or Substack App to see the whole thing. Subscribe here for free to get future posts straight to your inbox:
✨ Last time: Week 3 of our 4-week journey through “The Gifts of Imperfection”: Catch up here.
✨ Today: Week 4 - takeaways from Guideposts 9 & 10 and podcast 6
Welcome back for Week 4 (the final week) of the Gifts of Imperfection Re-Read and listen-along!
Congratulations! We made it!
It has been so inspiring to see what you are learning about yourselves through this process, whether you are reading along, listening, reading the posts here on Humans Leading, or some combination of these.
If you’re new to the re-read and would like to check it out, you can catch up on the posts through the links below.
Here are a few more details about what today’s post is all about:
As a reminder (or if you’re not doing the read-along), this week’s Guideposts are:
Guidepost 9: Cultivating Meaningful Work – Letting go of Self-Doubt and “Supposed To”
Guidepost 10: Cultivating Laughter, Song, and Dance – Letting go of Being Cool and “Always in Control”
Upcoming Reading/listening schedule and the date the post will be released on Humans Leading:
Wrap-up post (May 23rd) featuring the lessons I’ve learned and resources to go deeper
If you’ve missed the first few weeks of this series and would like to catch up, you can find them here:
Introduction:
Week 1:
Week 2:
Week 3:
As always, there was so much inspiring content in this week’s guideposts and podcast that I could have written forever, but that would be boring for you. And that’s not how Humans Leading works. So, I tried to focus on what really hit home for me as I went along in order to pass along these takeaways to you.
Below, you’ll find:
3 lessons I’m learning as a result of this re-read/listen
My top 5 takeaways for this week
Reflection/journaling prompts
If you’re reading and listening along with me, I hope today’s piece inspires you to think about what resonates most for you in your own life.
If it’s not the right time for your own read and listen-along, no worries! I think this post (and the other posts in the series) will still be valuable for you to read through and reflect on.
Plus, I’ve included several journaling prompts/reflection questions for you at the end.
Ok, let’s dig in!
1. Doing the Things You Are “Supposed” to Do is a Fast Track to an Unsatisfying Life (and Burnout)
In Guidepost 9, Brené talks about “supposed” to messages. If you’re anything like me (and I’d bet that you are since you’re reading this), you have several of these messages playing in your head.
These are the messages that we’ve received about how we should look, act, work, be, etc. They come from society, our parents, the media we consume, and even our workplaces.
Some of the common “supposed” to messages for people who read Humans Leading (and people I coach) include:
Put everyone else first
Do it all yourself
Push through when you don’t feel well/are struggling
Never let them see you sweat
Have it all together
Know all of the answers
Look perfect
Have a perfectly clean house
Attain the “right” life milestones: buy a house, get married, have children, make a certain amount of money, etc.
Be the best
Be unique
These messages impact how we live our lives by causing us to make choices based on what we think we are “supposed” to do rather than based on what we want to do.
Not only can we end up in unsatisfying careers and relationships by living this way, but we can also end up experiencing serious life disfunction as a result. My own perfectionism was so fueled by these messages that I experienced burnout twice.
Do any of these messages sound familiar to you? Are there others that you have for yourself?
By starting to understand the messages we have for ourselves and how they are operating in our lives, we can begin to untether ourselves from them and start living more authentically and satisfyingly.
2. Your Inner Critic Thrives on “Supposed” to
Our inner critics love “supposed” to messages. More specifically, they love to point out all of the ways that we aren’t living up to these messages.
Some of the common inner critic messages that we send ourselves include:
You’re a failure.
You’re weak.
You’re not good enough at [x]
You’re not a good [y]
ex: person, partner, parent, child, friend, etc.
You’re needy.
You’re too much.
You’re selfish.
And so on…
These messages are often harsh and designed to keep us in line according to our “supposed” to messages.
For example, if one of your messages is "I’m supposed to be a good mom,” and your definition of “good mom” includes the message “I’m supposed to put everyone else first or else I’m selfish,” you will find it hard to start to put yourself on your own priority list. Every time you try, your inner critic will pop up to remind you that good moms are self-sacrificing and that you’re a terrible mom for thinking otherwise.
Ouch.
The inner critic is also likely to pop up when we are just about to try something new, create something that has never been made before, or we are on the edge of a breakthrough in our careers. They want us to play small and stay inside the box of our current reality because they perceive the box as “safe” and everything that is new as “unsafe.”
But we don’t have to be held hostage by our inner critic messages. As Brené outlines, there is a way to deal with them, but it isn’t what most of us think.
3. Inner Critics are like Toddlers (and Bouncers)
When I talk to friends and coaching clients who are struggling with their inner critics, they frequently describe two ways of trying to deal with them:
They are trying to ignore them.
They are fighting with them and trying to destroy them.
The first one doesn’t work because, as Brené reminds us in the book:
“Gremlins (aka inner critics) are like toddlers. If you ignore them, they just get louder.”
Inner critics don’t want to be ignored. They want you to listen to them because they think their messages are really important and necessary to keep you safe. So, if you try to pretend like they don’t exist, they’ll just yell louder.
It’s just as useless to try to fight with or destroy your inner critic. Think of them like the big, strong bouncers of the box they are trying to keep you inside of.
You can’t overpower them.
So, what does work?
One of the most helpful ways to quiet down your inner critic is to give them a name.
I particularly love the above advice from meditation teacher Sharon Salzberg who also recommends being kind to them by offering them tea and a nap. Much like toddlers (or tired bouncers if you allow me to stretch this metaphor), inner critics could use a snack and a nap sometimes.
So, instead of fighting yours or ignoring it, next time you hear your inner critic launch into the same old narrative again, simply say:
“I hear you. Thank you for trying to protect me. But I’ll take it from here.”
And carry on with what you’re doing.
You don’t have to vanquish your inner critic in order to move forward. Just acknowledge it and move on. Over time, you’ll notice that it starts to quiet down.
also has some great advice about handling your inner critic, especially when it comes to creative work:Put your inner critic in the passenger’s seat. Sit in the driver’s seat of your life.
Then, tell your inner critic:
“I recognize and respect that you are part of the family, and so I will not exclude you from our activities, but still- your suggestions will never be followed.
You’re allowed to have a seat, and you’re allowed to have a voice, but you are not allowed to have a vote.”
-Big Magic
If you’re reading along, you might notice that I skipped discussion of Guidepost 10. As mentioned in the introduction of this post, there was just too much to get to.
But never fear. All of the guideposts are intertwined, and they will also be woven into the wrap-up post coming up on May 23rd.
Now, on to my biggest takeaways.
My top 5 from this week:
In order to stop operating from your “supposed” to messages, you have to get clear on what they are.
Inner critics love “supposed” to and will remind you of how you’re falling short.
Inner critics are like toddlers; they get loud if you ignore them.
You don’t have to fight your inner critic.
You can start to quiet your inner critic by acknowledging it and continuing on.
If you’d like to go deeper, here are this week’s reflection/journaling questions (take what you need, leave the rest):
What “supposed” to messages do you have for yourself?
Where did these messages come from?
What inner critic messages come up for you when you don’t follow your “supposed” to script?
What is your inner critic’s name?
What message would be helpful to say to your inner critic when they get loud?
Who can you lean on for support if your inner critic sends you into a pit of self-doubt?
We did it! Congratulations and thank you for joining me. I hope that you found value in this in your own life whether you read the book, listened to the podcast, and/or read one (or more) of these posts. I’ll be back on May 23rd with a summary post, so stay tuned for that!
I’ll be off next week but coming to your inbox with a popular post from the archive.
I have a very very loud inner critic. She's been overly active in the past months as I moved into a different position at work. It took me a while to adjust and regain my confidence and not listen to all the "shoulds" and "supposed to" but I feel the past two weeks something has definitely shifted and I'm not listening to all of that anymore. The joy in my work has finally come back!
Have really enjoyed this series Jillian!
On the inner critic point, I also really like the use of "gremlins" as used by Helen Tupper and Sarah Ellis (podcast here - https://www.amazingif.com/listen/how-to-cage-your-confidence-gremlins/) more in a career context but can be used more widely too!