I struggle to answer the how are yous too. Best I've been able to manage is "up and down". As you say, it's hard to understand, let alone articulate my feelings and if I was being truly honest in my answers, they probably wouldn't be office-appropriate! I appreciate people trying to show they care, but at the same time I'm definitely in the market for solitude right now :) And I find there's often mixed messages with managers in one breath saying to take my time, and look after myself but in the next setting an urgent deadline. So yeah, up and down!
Thanks so much for sharing Jillian - this is all so incredibly true! Often the greatest gift we can give as comforters is to simply be. Really appreciate these practical tips - so insightful.
Love you 🫶 this is really helpful. Wanting to show up for someone who is experiencing grief, we don’t always know what to say. I like the approach of “I’m going to X, what can I bring you?” Or offering to help take something off the persons plate - take their kiddo(s) or pets for a play date, bring a meal over, if it’s work - help with a task on their to do list, something to lighten their load. 🫶
It’s so much more helpful than “let me know if you need anything.” When a friend was in the hospital, she initially said she didn’t need anything when I asked. Then when I said, “I’m going to the bakery on my way home from my overnight shift. What can I bring you?” as a follow up question she said “muffins!” Most people don’t want to be an “inconvenience,” even when people are genuinely trying to help.
My younger sister passed away one year ago today, and my Dad died 3 months before her. I’ve shared daily grief support emails that I subscribed to every day for the past year with my Mom, brother, sister, husband, and friend who lost her son at the same time. It has helped. But I still cry when I think about my sister and our Dad. It’s ok and it helps too. I’m lucky to have my husband and adult children to talk to too, and reminisce at times. Grief comes in waves. Some days are ok and some are tearful. It takes time and it’s different for everyone. But it helps to eventually talk and listen to those sharing your loss. I wish you peace and comfort, especially on the difficult days.
Thank you for sharing your experiences here so we can all learn and grow from them. People can be so weird when it comes to grief, because our society doesn't address death well. Your advice of not asking "what can I do to help" reminded me of this post I put together a little while ago, in case it's helpful for others: A Grief Gift Guide - by Christine Vaughan Davies https://search.app/JjiHJH2Q3a1jNmnt7
As you move though the messiness of grief, may you find comfort in the support of people who do get it.
One of the most helpful articles I’ve ever read about talking to and helping someone who is newly grieving
I’m so glad you found it useful.
I was thinking the same thing - you've articulated all this incredibly well Jillian. Thank you 💗
Thank you. I’m glad you’ve found it useful ❤️
I struggle to answer the how are yous too. Best I've been able to manage is "up and down". As you say, it's hard to understand, let alone articulate my feelings and if I was being truly honest in my answers, they probably wouldn't be office-appropriate! I appreciate people trying to show they care, but at the same time I'm definitely in the market for solitude right now :) And I find there's often mixed messages with managers in one breath saying to take my time, and look after myself but in the next setting an urgent deadline. So yeah, up and down!
It’s such a roller coaster isn’t it? I recently listened to this podcast where Kate Bowler talks about the “math of suffering,” and it is so true that people don’t know what to do with your grief if it doesn’t fit into their timeline or “urgent” needs. https://refugeingrief.com/podcasts/new-year-same-grief-the-math-of-suffering-with-kate-bowler-part-1
thanks for sharing Jillian, I'll give it a listen :)
Thanks so much for sharing Jillian - this is all so incredibly true! Often the greatest gift we can give as comforters is to simply be. Really appreciate these practical tips - so insightful.
Love you 🫶 this is really helpful. Wanting to show up for someone who is experiencing grief, we don’t always know what to say. I like the approach of “I’m going to X, what can I bring you?” Or offering to help take something off the persons plate - take their kiddo(s) or pets for a play date, bring a meal over, if it’s work - help with a task on their to do list, something to lighten their load. 🫶
It’s so much more helpful than “let me know if you need anything.” When a friend was in the hospital, she initially said she didn’t need anything when I asked. Then when I said, “I’m going to the bakery on my way home from my overnight shift. What can I bring you?” as a follow up question she said “muffins!” Most people don’t want to be an “inconvenience,” even when people are genuinely trying to help.
My younger sister passed away one year ago today, and my Dad died 3 months before her. I’ve shared daily grief support emails that I subscribed to every day for the past year with my Mom, brother, sister, husband, and friend who lost her son at the same time. It has helped. But I still cry when I think about my sister and our Dad. It’s ok and it helps too. I’m lucky to have my husband and adult children to talk to too, and reminisce at times. Grief comes in waves. Some days are ok and some are tearful. It takes time and it’s different for everyone. But it helps to eventually talk and listen to those sharing your loss. I wish you peace and comfort, especially on the difficult days.
Thank you. Wishing the same for you. That must be very hard.
Thank you for sharing your experiences here so we can all learn and grow from them. People can be so weird when it comes to grief, because our society doesn't address death well. Your advice of not asking "what can I do to help" reminded me of this post I put together a little while ago, in case it's helpful for others: A Grief Gift Guide - by Christine Vaughan Davies https://search.app/JjiHJH2Q3a1jNmnt7
As you move though the messiness of grief, may you find comfort in the support of people who do get it.