Lost for Words: Why 'How Are You?' Is So Challenging During Difficult Times

How to support people better

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Photo by Greg Rosenke on Unsplash

A week after my dad died, I returned to work.

I wasn’t ready, but it felt like the right thing to do so that other people didn’t have to spend their Christmas holiday covering for me.

And, in the whirlwind of my grief, being at work felt like the one thing I could control. It gave me a structure, a distraction, and, honestly, a reason to get out of bed.

Colleagues greeted me with kindness and concern.

And, inevitably, the question came up, over and over again: “How are you?”

Every time they asked, I paused, thinking about how I would respond. What words could I even use to express the mess that was swirling inside of me?

So, I settled on an answer I could manage: “I’m here, fulfilling my professional duty.”

It was honest, but distant. It was a way of saying I wasn’t okay, without inviting further questions. It became my shield, protecting me from having to find words for emotions that defied description.

But even that simple phrase carried a weight. Each time I said it, I was reminded of the contrast between my inner chaos and the calm professionalism I was trying to project.

It’s such a simple question, “How are you?”

But there are three big reasons that it can be tough to answer.

1. Words Are Inadequate to Describe the Experience

Words are symbols. We use them to try to convey a message to other people (as I’m doing to you now). But they often fail to convey what we are really experiencing.

Take this simple example: “Wow. What a beautiful sunset.”

Photo by Igor Kasalovic on Unsplash

Not even close, right?

Similarly, grief and hardship often exist beyond the limits of language.

When someone asks, “How are you?” you experience a split-second mental scramble to find the right words. When things are difficult, no phrase or sentence can fully capture the depth of what you’re experiencing. Saying “I’m okay” feels hollow, “I’m not okay” can feel too vulnerable, and anything more complicated risks overwhelming the other person (or yourself).

And grief is tricky.

One moment, you might feel a strange sense of calm, only to be blindsided by tears a few moments later. How do you explain to other people that you’re simultaneously exhausted and restless, feeling nothing but full of feelings, grateful for support but desperate for solitude? It’s as if your emotions are speaking a language that is untranslatable.

And yet, the expectation to answer the question hangs there.

So, depending on who is asking, you try to choose a response that is accurate but not overly detailed. To be honest, it’s an impossible task.

I’m grateful that people ask but have truly been at a loss for what to say.

2. Some People Aren’t Looking for a True Answer

Another thing that makes answering the question difficult is wondering whether the person asking wants (or can handle) a real answer when they ask.

I’m grateful to know that some people in my life truly want to know how I am doing. And they can handle a messy answer.

But, in some cases, “How are you?” is not an invitation for the full truth. Instead, it’s more of a social nicety than an expression of genuine curiosity. This can be especially hard to navigate when you’re grieving or struggling. You might sense that the person asking isn’t prepared (or doesn’t really want) to hear the messy reality of how you’re doing.

For example, a colleague passing you in the hallway might ask out of politeness, but what they’re really expecting is a quick “I’m fine.”

And a friend checking in might mean well, but even they could struggle to respond if you said, “Honestly, I’ve been crying most of the day and feel like I want to punch a hole through the wall.”

These moments can feel like emotional tightropes, where you’re balancing your need for honesty against the discomfort of the person asking.

This dynamic can leave you feeling even more isolated. You may start to wonder: Do people actually want to know how I’m doing, or are they just being polite? This uncertainty can make you hesitant to share at all, reinforcing the already-lonely experience of grief.

3. Sometimes, I Don’t Even Know How I Am

Despite the way that the “5 stages of grief” have been misinterpreted in the popular culture, grief is not linear or predictable. Rather, it’s a lot like a ball of emotions.

And, as outlined above, words are poor substitutes for complicated experiences.

Grief and hardship often bring emotional confusion and unpredictability where you feel multiple ways in rapid succession. One moment I might feel steady, and the next, I’m crying over a random memory. Feeling a tornado of emotions makes it hard to summarize how you’re doing in one sentence.

So, if you don’t know how you’re doing, how are you supposed to explain it to someone else?

How to Truly Support Someone During Difficult Times

There are other ways to support people that don’t involve asking “How are you?”

Here are some ways to get started:

Things to say that may feel more supportive:

• “I know things are tough; I just wanted to check in.”

• “What’s on your mind today?”

• “I’m here for you.”

Some things to avoid saying:

• Unhelpful platitudes like “everything happens for a reason” or “they are in a better place.” Or, in the case of material losses like those happening in the fires in LA: “It’s just stuff.”

  • These things are just cruel to say to people who are in pain. Just don’t.

• “Let me know if you need anything”

  • Grief is exhausting and overwhelming. Often, people don’t know what they need. Asking a person who is grieving to reach out to you will likely result in them not reaching out to you.

Try this instead:

• Offering tangible help (meals, errands, etc.)

  • In this case, it’s more helpful to say, “I’m going to [x], what can I bring you from there?” instead of “let me know if you need anything”

    • In the days following my dad’s death, my neighbor texted that she/her husband were going to 4 different stores and could bring me anything from any of those places. This allowed me to focus on something they could do to truly help.

    • Other friends sent gift cards for meals, sent food deliveries, or dropped off food at our house.

• Listening without trying to fix or explain.

  • A lot of people have said, “It’s normal to feel that way. It takes time.” when I answer honestly about how I am. This seemingly benign response can actually be frustrating to people who are just looking for validation or connection. Saying something like, “that sounds really difficult” can make them feel seen without them feeling like you’re trying to fix them or solve something for them.

• Being present without requiring a response.

  • Sometimes, the best support isn’t saying anything—it’s just being there and not being afraid of the raw emotions that come up.
    

Navigating difficult experiences isn’t easy, but it would be impossible without the support of other people

I’ve been so grateful to be surrounded by so many supportive people over the past month.

But I’ve also found myself wishing that more people knew how difficult it is to answer the question, “How are you?”

If grief has not come for you yet, I hope this short post helps shine a little light on how you might support people experiencing it. And, if you’ve experienced grief in your own life, I hope you feel seen.

I’d love to know what has helped you with your own grieving process in the comments.