The Journey to Wholehearted Living

Week 1 of the "Gifts of Imperfection" read and listen-along

Welcome! I’m Dr. Jillian, a physician leader, toddler mom, and coach who writes Humans Leading to help overwhelmed professionals live less stressed, more satisfying lives. If the full post doesn’t show up in your e-mail, come over to the webpage or Substack App to see the whole thing. Subscribe here to get future posts straight to your inbox:

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✨ Last time: The introduction to our 4-week journey through “The Gifts of Imperfection”: Get started here.

✨ Today: we’re exploring the book’s introduction, Guideposts 1&2, and podcasts 1&2

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When I was recovering from burn out five years ago, I read Brené Brown’s The Gifts of Imperfection as a first step toward embracing my limitations.

A year later, I followed along with a podcast series on the same topic that she put out with her sisters. As I have been navigating my shortcomings and limitations with dealing with grief and navigating life, I found myself turning to both of these resources again. Hearing other people share their stories about grappling with these topics is comforting and encouraging.

I’m so glad you’re here with me. Digging back into this material has been so valuable, but it hasn’t been easy. Knowing there were people doing it with me was great motivation to keep going.

Here are a few more details about what today’s post (and the next 3 weeks) are all about:

• In today’s post, I am talking about my experience re-reading the introduction, guideposts one and two, and listening to podcasts one and two.

  • Theme: Becoming wholehearted- Letting go of shame and embracing the Gifts of Imperfection

  • Guidepost 1: Cultivating Authenticity – Letting go of what people think

  • Guidepost 2: Cultivating Self-Compassion – Letting go of perfectionism

• Upcoming Reading/listening schedule and the date the post will be released on Humans Leading:

  • Week 2 (April 25th) Guideposts 3&4, Podcast part 3

  • Week 3 (May 2nd) Guideposts 5, 6, 7, 8, Podcast parts 4&5

  • Week 4 (May 9th) Guideposts 9&10, Podcast part 6

Honestly, there is so much inspiring content that I could have written forever, but that would be boring for you. And that’s not how Humans Leading works. So, I tried to focus on what really hit home for me as I went along in order to pass along these takeaways to you.

Below, you’ll find:

• 3 lessons I’m learning as a result of this re-read/listen

• My top takeaways for this week

• Reflection/journaling prompts

If you’re reading and listening along with me, I hope today’s piece inspires you to think about what resonates most for you in your own life.

If it’s not the right time for your own read and listen-along, no worries! I think this post (and the next 3 posts in the series) will still be valuable for you to read through and reflect on.

Plus, I’ve included several journaling prompts/reflection questions for you at the end.

Ok, let’s dig in!

1. Life is a series of unravelings

Since finishing medical training, I have been in the process of cultivating a “wholehearted life” (Brene Brown’s words). I did not have language for this when I started, but I had been knocked around by life enough to know that I couldn’t keep going the way I had been. Brene calls this kind of wake-up call an “unraveling.”

In the book, Brene describes her own midlife unraveling. Recently, it has seemed like I have been in this, too.

Here’s how Brene describes this in her own words:

“I always define midlife as the time where the universe gently places her hands upon your shoulders, pulls you close in, and whispers in your ear,

‘I’m not fucking around.

All of this pretending and performing, these coping mechanisms that you’ve developed to protect yourself from feeling inadequate and getting hurt, this has to go.

Your armor is preventing you from growing into your gifts.’”

Whew. Yes.

During my time re-reading the book’s introduction, it dawned on me that my recent adult life has actually been a series of unravelings:

• Marriage

• Starting my career

• Moving

• Burnout

• The trauma of working in healthcare during a global pandemic

• Becoming a parent

• Losing a parent

• Being in midlife

More than once during my journey to wholeheartedness, I’ve found myself wondering if I might reach the end and be able to check the box of being “wholehearted.” Maybe then I could truly live the life I’m meant to live.

Imagine my disappointment when I opened the book to re-read the line:

“Wholehearted living is not a onetime choice. It is a process. In fact, I believe it’s the journey of a lifetime.”

It has finally sunk in that I’ll be doing this work for the rest of my life. Perhaps that sounds depressing. But, as I’ve embraced the idea, I’ve discovered how it is allowing me to have more joy along the way.

2. Growth is a not a destination

I first took the “Wholehearted Inventory” from Brene Brown several years ago before I started reading the book for the first time. The inventory is designed to assess where you are currently at regarding the 10 guideposts.

When I first got my results, I felt incredibly called out. I was several years into my wholehearted journey at that point, and I had assumed that my results would be “higher” than they were. It makes me laugh now because I can’t think of a better example of perfectionism.

As Brene explains in this podcast episode, the results from the inventory aren’t really scores. Rather, your results fall on a continuum between behaviors that don’t serve us and those that are part of wholehearted living. She likes to think of the continuum like a tank of gas. The closer you are to full, the more wholehearted you are.

Let’s just say that I had room for growth.

When I first took the inventory, I had room to grow in:

• Comparison

• Perfectionism

• Need for Control

For this re-read, I took the inventory again. I was pleased to see that I had made progress in the areas that I’ve been intentionally working on. I have grown the most in the areas of perfectionism, exhaustion as a status symbol, and scarcity.

I continue to have growth opportunities in:

• Worrying about what other people think

• Need for control

• Comparison

If you’re playing along at home, you’ll notice that 2 out of 3 of these are the same as they were the first time I took the inventory. Neither of these was surprising to me. And I didn’t feel as blindsided by the results this time because I’ve been working on seeing my growth as a process, not a destination that I will reach some day.

“Cultivating a wholehearted life is not like trying to reach a destination. It’s like waking toward a star in the sky. We never really arrive, but we certainly know we’re heading in the right direction.” -The Gifts of Imperfection

3. Perfection isn’t real

Perfectionism is insidious in our culture, especially in academic circles and in healthcare where I work.

As Brene points out in Guidepost 2, many of us learn to equate our worth to what we can accomplish and how well we can accomplish it. If we fall short of perfection (which we always do because perfection isn’t real), we shame and blame ourselves for not being perfect enough. And we double-down on trying to be more perfect next time.

Not only do we try to be perfect at school or at work, but we also try to achieve perfection in every aspect of our lives: our homes, parenting (including our own children’s academic performance and career choices), our looks, etc. Because of this, we often experience overwhelm and may experience life paralysis: the things we miss out on because we are too afraid to put anything out into the world that could be imperfect.

I almost missed out on starting my podcast due to my worry that I would be judged for its imperfections. Taking risks can feel terrifying as a perfectionist because it means that our self-worth is at stake if things don’t go as perfectly as we want them to.

My wholehearted journey has required a lot of learning to accept my human limitations. Like Brene, I like to call myself a “recovering perfectionist and aspiring good enough-ist.”

I’m just out here trying to do the best I can from day to day.

To get to this point, I’ve needed to work on the things that Brene discusses in this chapter:

1. Acknowledging my vulnerability to the universal experience of shame, judgment, and blame

2. Developing shame resilience

3. Practicing self-compassion

The good news for all of us is that each of these things can be cultivated. For me, learning about self-compassion and starting a self-compassion practice has been transformative.

If you would like to learn more about self-compassion and assess where you are currently at, you can head to Dr. Kristin Neff’s webpage and take a quick assessment. Then, dig into the tools that she has available. As with anything, don’t should on yourself as you do this. The process of self-discovery allows you to understand what is getting in the way of you living the life you want to live. Becoming aware is the first step in the process.

If you’re reading along, you might notice that I skipped discussion of Guidepost 1 in the above lessons. As mentioned in the introduction of this post, there was just too much to get to.

But never fear. All of the guideposts are intertwined, and you’ll find discussions of authenticity throughout this series. I’m also planning a whole post in the future about FOPO (fear of other people’s opinions), so stay tuned.

Now, on to my biggest takeaways.

My top 4 from this week:

• Unravelings are the path to growth and transformation.

• Growth is a process, not a destination.

• There is no such thing as perfect.

• Self-compassion is key to becoming a good enough-ist

If you’d like to go deeper, here are this week’s reflection/journaling questions (take what you need, leave the rest):

• When was the last time you hid a part of yourself to be accepted?

• What parts of yourself do you tone down or edit to avoid judgment?

• What would it look like to show up more authentically in your relationships or work?

• Where does perfectionism show up for you?

• How is perfectionism holding you back

• What unrealistic standards are you holding yourself to right now?

• How do you speak to yourself when you make a mistake?

• What would change if you gave yourself permission to be “good enough”?

• What are your biggest opportunities for growth in your journey to a wholehearted life? (either take the Wholehearted Inventory or reflect on your own)

• What three small steps can you take today to begin living a more wholehearted life?

What was your biggest takeaway from this week? I’d love to know in the comments.