A Toolkit for Hard Days
7 ways to navigate difficult seasons of life
Welcome! I’m Dr. Jillian, a physician leader, mom, and coach who is on a mission to help other high achieving professionals and recovering perfectionists live less stressed, more satisfying lives. Like many of you, I’ve been experiencing a lot of difficult feelings recently. Today, you’ll learn how I navigate them and how to do it for yourself. If the full post doesn’t show up in your e-mail, come over to the webpage to see the whole thing. Subscribe here to get future posts straight to your inbox:
“How are you really doing?” a friend texted me recently.
We don’t talk often, but she’s the kind of person who always wants to know how I’m actually doing… aka the best kind of friend to have in your life. Especially when things are tough.
And things are tough right now for so many of us for one reason or another. As I’ve said to more than one person recently, “Life always keeps life-ing.”
It may be that we are experiencing personal hardship.
Or it might be the that we are feeling outrage, fear, anxiety, or sadness related the US election and its aftermath.
It might be a current reality. Or it might be an imagined unknown future. Or it might be both.
For me, it’s these things coupled with the very sad things that sometimes happen in my day job as a Pediatric ICU doctor. And we’ve had a lot of those recently.
To avoid getting stuck in the mud of my emotions, I’ve needed to get out of my head and into my body. I’ve needed to feel my feelings, process them, and let them pass.
You need to find a way to do this too. And using logic to reason your way through isn’t the solution.
When you’re feeling difficult emotions, it can be easy to get stuck in a cycle of analyzing why you’re feeling the way that you are or judging yourself for being a feeling human being instead of actually feeling or processing the feelings.
Someone recently came to talk to me when they were experiencing sadness related to a patient in the Pediatric ICU. They had cried a lot on the previous day and hadn’t expected to. And they were still feeling unsettled and sad. They kept talking about how they couldn’t understand why they were feeling the way they were.
They seemed to be asking me, “What is wrong with me that I’m still feeling this way?”
So, I told them what the meditation teacher Sharon Salzberg says during these times:
“Some things just hurt.”
We don’t experience difficult emotions because we are doing anything wrong. We experience them because they are part of the human experience. And, without difficult emotions and experiences, we’d never really be able to understand what joy is.
“What happens if joy is not separate from pain? What if joy and pain are fundamentally tangled up with one another?” -Ross Gay, “Inciting Joy”
This doesn’t mean that we have to enjoy difficult experiences. But it does mean that, if we desire to experience true wellbeing in our lives, we need to process the difficult things that come up for us.
For me, this means having a toolbox of things that I use to get myself through.
These are tools that I use regularly in order to keep functioning in my life. Full disclosure, I’ve been using them a lot lately. And they haven’t made me feel “good.” Rather, they’ve let me keep doing what I need to do.
Life isn’t about feeling good all of the time. It’s about navigating the ups and downs. And these tools help me do that. I’ve learned what works for me through trial-and-error, and you may need to do that for yourself to see what works for you.
Here are 7 things I use to help me get through hard times:
1. Write it down
What it entails: Use “worry journaling” to help you get out of the cycle of anxiety.
Why it works: Allowing anxious thoughts to spin around in your head often leads to more anxious thoughts. Writing down your thoughts in a journal or saying them out loud into a notes app allows them to get out of your head and allows you to start feeling less stressed and stuck.
How to do it:
The next time you find yourself spinning in anxious thoughts, write them down. I did this for myself the other day as I was feeling stressed about the election.
Set a timer and write down everything that you’re worried about. Or angry about. Or sad about. Don’t judge what comes up or filter yourself. Just write. When the timer goes off, stop. Put your pen down. Notice how you feel. And consider choosing something from #7 to make yourself feel even better.
2. Songs to Cry to… aka ‘Feel Your Feelings’
What it entails: - an intentional way to feel your sadness instead of shoving it aside or being consumed by it
Why it works: Emotions aren’t supposed to be suppressed. They’re part of being human. Suppressing emotions can lead to all sorts of physical and mental health problems (ask me how I know…).
How to do it: If you’re used to thinking your way through life, it might be hard to know what you’re feeling. So, here’s a feelings wheel to help:
If what you’re feeling falls into the “sad” category, my “Songs to Cry to” playlist on Spotify is a great way to help you get the sadness out when you need to.
3. Connect
What it entails: Reach out to someone to connect.
Why it works: We aren’t meant to do life alone.
How to do it: Reach out to a friend, colleague, or mental health professional to help you process.
For work related distress, a mentor of mine uses the “3-day rule.” If she’s still thinking about something related to work for more than 3 days, she knows that it’s time to talk to someone about it.
Having your own practice like this can be helpful for work or life related stresses.
4. Disconnect
What it entails: Get off social media and stop watching the news when you start to feel stressed, angry, etc.
Why it works: Our brains were not made to take in the amount of information that we have access to at any given time. Staying constantly connected will leave you feeling worse, not better.
How to do it: Turn off your phone, TV, etc. Do one of the other things from this list that doesn’t involve being tuned in to the news.
5. Move Your Body
What it entails: Move your body in a way that feels good. That’s it.
Why it works: Emotions are energy. They need to move in order to be released. The best way you can move them is by moving your body. And movement can also release endorphins which naturally help boost your mood.
How to do it: When our dog died abruptly this year, walking saved me (again). Because the loss happened so quickly, I felt a bit paralyzed by the shock of it all. I took the day after off from work, and I wasn’t sure what to do. Every part of me wanted to lie on the couch and wallow. And I did some of that. But then I started to feel unsettled and like I needed to do something else. So, I decided to walk in the rain. And I came back feeling a little bit better than I had before. It didn’t fix my grief, but it kept me from getting stuck.
This yoga practice would also be helpful as a gentle way to move if you’re feeling low:
If you’re feeling angry, maybe kickboxing would be a good choice.
6. Practice (Micro) Mindfulness
What it entails: Ground yourself with one-minute resets.
Why it works: Even just a minute of mindfulness can reset your focus, reduce stress, and increase resilience to life’s demands.
How to do it: Mindfulness doesn’t have to be meditation (though it can). It simply means paying attention to what’s happening in the present moment, on purpose, without judgement.
When you start feeling frazzled, take a moment to pause and reset: close your eyes, take three deep breaths, and remind yourself that you have the ability to handle what comes your way because you’ve already handled everything that has happened in your life so far.
It might also be helpful to try some “meh-mindfulness” like I wrote about in this post.
As someone who has meditated for the past 8 years, I also recommend practicing formal meditation. It’s best if you can start when you aren’t feeling completely stressed, sad, or angry as a way to carry you through the hard times in life. I started my meditation journey by reading
’s book “10% Happier.” If you’re interested in getting started, he recently started a Substack that I’ve really enjoyed (and is not only about meditation). Here’s a recent post-election post that was particularly helpful.
7. Use your ‘Dopamine Menu’
What it entails: Make a list of things that make you feel good or bring you comfort and pick one of those things to do to care for yourself when you’re not feeling your best.
Why it works: Dopamine can help you feel happy, motivated, energized, and focused. When dopamine levels are low, you’ll likely feel tired, sad, or unmotivated.
The ‘Dopamine menu’ idea originated from a YouTube video made by Jessica McCabe, the creator of the YouTube channel “How To ADHD” and author of How To ADHD: An Insider’s Guide to Working With Your Brain (Not Against It), who shared the idea as a way to help people with ADHD. It has now gone viral on social media, and you do not have to have ADHD to benefit from it.
How to do it: Create a list of things that you like doing which leave you feeling better after you’ve done them. You can find details here if you’d like to build a menu of your own.
Here’s what I’ve been finding comfort (and dopamine) in recently:
The ‘Calm Christmas’ podcast from
This 10% happier episode from last year with meditation teacher Sharon Salzberg as a way to try to avoid getting stuck in the negativity of the election aftermath. It was so helpful.
Rally Playlist on Spotify- When I’m feeling like it’s all too much, I turn to this playlist that I created last year. It has a ton of songs that help me feel uplifted and changes my mood right away. If you need an extra mood boost, please picture my 3-year-old son and I dancing to ‘Boogie Shoes’ during breakfast each morning this week. And, for more bonus joy, try it yourself.
The best marshmallows of all time - The Vermont Marshmallow company
This is self-explanatory. It’s hot chocolate season, and your mug will be much better with these small-batch marshmallows.
Listening to Ross Gay read his book “Inciting Joy” on audiobook
Difficult emotions are part of life.
But you can’t think your way out of them.
By using these 7 strategies regularly, you can allow yourself to feel them and move forward without getting stuck in them.
Such a useful post, and I agree, feelings are there to be felt and explored!
Your article just reminded me of a conversation I had with a therapist about a year ago, maybe longer ago. I was going through a difficult time and she said roughly the same thing "you can't always work your way out of things, sometimes you just have to feel the feelings". That always really stuck with me, because I'm the type who tends to come up with an action plan for everything, but sometimes like you write "some things just hurt", and it's ok to feel those feelings. Thanks for that reminder.